BPD BADDIE

Hello, baddies. This post is going to just be an update on my life. It's been over a month since I've uploaded anything. I went through a lot within that time. I fell into a depressive episode that I thankfully got out of. Ramadan started. I recently reconnected with an old friend. I'm still unable to travel. I got my first commission order. Things are pretty much okay. I hope this lasts. I'm not a big fan of this strange, boring, neutral feeling, but it's better than depression. I haven't had a manic or euphoric episode in forever. I don't like that. I know this is for the best. But it still hurts.  I just want to give a shoutout to everyone that's helped me and talked to me in the past few weeks. I really appreciate all of you. Thank you. Bye.

Hey, baddies! Today, I'm talking about love, infatuation, and limerence. Let's start by defining each of these words. What is love? That's a TWICE song. Seriously, though. Google defines love as an intense feeling of deep affection. Love can mean many things to many people. There are several types of love, as well. The ancient Greeks had 8 types of love:  Eros (sexual passion) Philia (deep friendship) Ludus (playful love) Agape (love for everyone) Pragma (longstanding love) Philautia (love of the self) Storge (family love) Mania (obsessive love) They felt as though the word love was overused and used loosely, so they had 8 words for love, one for each type. I honestly agree with this. People use the word love so loosely that we will use the same word to describe our liking for food and to describe our affection, dedication, and adoration for a soulmate.  What is infatuation? Infatuation is intense (but short-lived) obsession and admiration. Some people confuse infatuation f...

Sometimes I look in the mirror and just stare at myself. I overanalyze every part of me. I always overanalyze everything. I think too much, and I know my thoughts and attention to detail will eventually lead to my demise. I don't know how that will happen, but I'm sure of it. My attention to detail has always bothered me. Because of it, the most mundane, unnoticeable things drive me insane. I can't go one second without having a plethora of thoughts flooding my head. It feels like a shipwreck in my mind, and the only way out is to swim to the surface, except I have no limbs. Yes. That's how I feel. Limbless and helpless. I sometimes forget just how severe the trauma I endured was. I practically got raped by my own father, I've attempted to kill myself and take my life over ten times, and more. I have a whole personality disorder because of said trauma. I've been told to not let my trauma and/or disorder define me, but that's hard to do when the trauma has sh...

  I feel weirdddd. Better than yesterday, but still weird. Yesterday, I felt very strange. I knew I wasn't okay. I was on the verge of a manic episode. I don't talk often about mania. Typically, people with BPD only experience euphoria and not mania. But I have that symptom, and it is a hell to live in. Many things happen before, during, and after a manic episode. However, I am not here to educate you on that. I will, just not this time. I felt tipsy and happy and scared and uncomfortable all at once. I had a strong urge to take drugs, and I had a strong urge to take random medications until I felt something. I had no idea why I suddenly experienced what I experienced, but I did. A part of me misses that feeling, but I know it's best that I'm not experiencing it right now.  I'm starting to feel like yesterday again. Does anyone even care? It feels like no one gives a shit about me. I feel like I don't matter. Ugh. Am I really that unlikable of a person? It feels...

Hellooo baddies! Today I have an extreme craving for drugs. I am craving the feeling of being knocked out and unaware of the world around me. I want to feel my lungs begging for me to stop as I exhale. What the actual fuck is wrong with me, y'all? Do y'all even read this shit? Or am I doing this for no reason? I really need a cigarette right now. Like I will actually go insane if I don't get one right now. Ugh. I'm tired. I don't feel good right now. I want to sink. To drown. 

  Hey, baddies! Today, I completed 100 days without any form of self-harm. I am very proud of myself, I must say. A long time ago, I used to think I wasn't made for living. Someone like me could never handle life. I could never keep on living, and if I did, it would be a dreary, depressing life. I was cutting myself on the daily, hoping I would feel something, anything. Cutting was my safe space. The blade never judged me. I could enjoy the feeling of slicing my skin and how the blood formed droplets along the cut. Of course, I was in a terrible mental state. I wouldn't enjoy hurting myself now, or at least I would hope that'd be the case. Now, I feel safe in other things that don't harm me, like my hobbies or the people I love. I no longer have the desire to injure myself or scar my skin. Sometimes, I get the urge to do so, but I am able to overcome it. Now, I can live a somewhat normal life. Sure, I still have BPD. Sure, I see my therapists more than my own family. An...

Hey baddies! Long time no seeeee. Today I feel like ranting. I already know that this post is about to be hectic, so prepare. Lately, I've been incredibly happy. I'm slightly worried this might be a temporary state of euphoria, but I don't think it is. It's like a soft happiness. A happy state where I can just dwell in peace, harmony, and joy. Isn't that so wonderful? N ow onto a less wonderful topic: me being SAd. It drives me crazy that I was so young, and I was able to survive it and the trauma. I don't know why I decided to rant about that right now, but I just felt like it, and you know what? This is my blog; I can do whatever the hell I want with it. So let's talk about me being sexually abused/assaulted. I feel like I ignore this part of me sometimes and treat it as though it never really happened. I'll be frank, sometimes it feels like it didn't and like I'm making it all up. But then I get the flashbacks. They're so vivid, so real, s...

I'm  finally back. I don't know how long I'll be back until I fall into another depressive slump/state/episode. But I'm here at the moment, and that's what matters. I'm still stuck in another country. Very fun, I know. I miss my life. But I know being here is for the best. I really needed the therapy, medications, and treatment I'm getting. I don't think I would've still been here if this didn't happen. It still drives me insane that I can't see the love of my life. It's been months. It physically hurts me. But I'm stuck. I have no choice. But whatever. I shouldn't worry because it's not like I can do anything about it. I was experiencing euphoria earlier today, but it's starting to dull down. Maybe I can salvage it. At the very least, I got the energy to finally post something on the blog. Maybe life isn't so awful.  Edit: This was written on the 11th. I am much better now, though most of this still applies. Anyway, s...

  Hey baddies! Today I'm going to talk about euphoria. There's not much else to say so let's get into it.  What is euphoria? Euphoria is a state of transient intense joy. It is often compared to or mistaken for mania (they are in fact quite similar). During euphoria, or a euphoric episode, one may experience many positive emotions and feelings to an extremely intense level. You may feel connected to the world. You will most likely have a feeling of well-being and that everything will be perfect or that everything is perfect. You'll feel like you're on top of the world; nothing can bring you down. However, this state of epicness does not last too long. It'll last from a few hours to a few days. This is what differentiates it from mania. Mania lasts months, while euphoria goes as quickly as it came.  What causes or triggers euphoria? Euphoria can be caused by many things, such as positive events or relationships, but it can also happen suddenly, without cause.  Is...

  It's 11/11. I love angel numbers. I love the color deep red, the one that looks like a pool of blood staining your fanciest white shirt. I love short nails with fun designs in jewel tones. I love maximalism. I love bags with lots of keychains. I love glitter. I love snickerdoodle cookies. I love stuffed animals and teddy bears. I love fur. I love animal print. I love tiny things. I love the color pink. every shade of it. I love so many things. I have so much love. Why can't I take a little bit of that love and give it to myself? Why is it so hard to accept and tolerate myself? I can't be that awful. There are people who accept me. Who tolerate me and my presence. Even if they're pretending, at least they're there. So why can't I do the same? Why can't I even pretend? 

  Life has been so rough lately. I know I'm strong, but sometime that strength will weaken. At some point, I'm going to come crashing down. It feels like that day could be tomorrow or today even. So many things happen and it feels like at any moment it could be too much for me. It almost was. It almost was too much. I wish I hadn't gone to the balcony. I wish I just stayed in bed and fell asleep. That stupid attempt caused more problems than I thought it would solve. It hurt me, and it hurt those around me. I'm tired of these things. I don't wanna be like this. As much as I find comfort in these awful states, I also wish I could be ok. Just normal. I know I'll never actually be normal- stupid BPD is always going to be with me- but I want the closest thing to that. I have plenty of people trying to help me, but none of it is going to work if my brain doesn't want to cooperate. I'm incredibly tired. I don't even know if I'll post this. I need to po...

  Hey there, baddies! It's been a minute since I've posted anything so we're going to take it easy. My mental health hasn't been the best lately and I've been incredibly unmotivated. However, I am forcing myself to take all the (very little) energy I have to write something new. Today, I'm going to be talking about childhood trauma and it's role in the development of BPD in a person.  BPD is initially a gene in a person. This gene is "activated" by traumatic events. Most of these traumatic events happen during childhood and adolescence. Many borderlines experience traumatic events like sexual and physical abuse, extreme neglect, or seperation from parents or loved ones. Trauma triggers the BPD gene, which causes you to start developing the symptoms of BPD. We already went over the symptoms of BPD, but in case you forgot, some major symptoms are: - unstable relationships - impulsivity - self-harm - unsafe or risky behavior - mood swings - emotional ...

  Hellooo, baddies! This article is going to be about some of the different treatments and therapies used to treat patients with BPD. There are multiple different treatments that can be used to help patients with BPD. These treatments may not work for everyone, though they do help a majority of people.  There are many different treatments for people with BPD, including medication. To start off, there is no medication specifically for BPD, so your doctor may prescribe a combinaton of medications that will work together to help you manage your BPD symptoms. These medications may be antidepressants, mood stabilizers, or antipsychotics.  Many of the therapies used to manage BPD fall under the umbrella of psychotherapy. Psychotherapy, which is also referred to as talk therapy, is used to help individuals manage and change maladaptive behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. The types of psychotherapy that are used to treat BPD are: - Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) - Mentalizatio...

  Hellooo there, baddies! In this article, we're going to identify the differences between men with BPD versus women with BPD. Men and women with BPD may experience similar symptoms, but there are a couple major differences.  To start off, we should understand the fact that around 75% of BPD patients or women. This does not mean that as a man, you cannot have BPD. It is very much possible. However, when someone talks about symptoms of BPD, they may talk about symptoms that are mostly common in women. Therefore, a man with (undiagnosed) BPD may think he doesn't have BPD at all, which leads to confusion.  Symptoms of BPD in women, which are the symptoms we know very well, may include: - intense, unstable relationship - extreme fear of abandonment  - risky and impulsive behaviors - identity confusion/crisis - dissociation  - unstable emotions - eating disorders or symptoms of eating disorders - increased severity of PMS symptoms before and during menstruation As fo...

  Hi hi hi, baddies! In this article, I'm going to be telling you all about eating disorders (EDs). An eating disorder is a mental condition that causes a disturbance in eating behavior and impairment of physical and mental health. There are many kinds of eating disorders. The most well-known known ED is anorexia nervosa (AN), although the most common ED is binge eating disorder (BED).  Three most common EDs are: - anorexia nervosa (AN) - bulimia nervosa (BN) - binge eating disorder (BED) There are many kinds of eating disorders, but we'll focus on these three.  To start off, anorexia nervosa is an eating disorder categorized by an intense fear of gaining weight and distorted body image, leading to food restriction and significant and extreme weight loss. There are to kinds of anorexia: restricting type and binge eating and purging type (AN-R AND AN-BP). AN-R is when one loses weight via diets and/or excessive and extreme exercise. AN-BP is when one engages in binge eatin...

  Hey there, baddies! Today we're discussing EDs and BPD and their connection. To start off what does ED stand for? ED means eating disorder, a term I'm sure you're familiar with. And BPD is, obviously, borderline personality disorder. But what connects these disorders? First of all, there are many types of eating disorders such as anorexia nervosa, bulimia nervosa, and others. With BPD, the most common ED symptoms are binging and purging, two major symptoms of bulimia nervosa. Having BPD means having a higher chance of developing an eating disorder. About 54% of patients with BPD also meet the criteria for an eating disorder. BPD is present in about 25% of those with anorexia and 28% of people with bulimia. The criteria used to diagnose BPD parallels symptoms of EDs. It is very difficult to treat an ED with BPD if the BPD is not being treated, and vice versa. This does not just apply to BPD; this also applies to any co-occuring disorder. EDs and BPD intertwine, so it can b...

  Hiya, baddies! Today, I'm going to be talking about what happens and goes through the mind of a borderline during their menstrual cycle and when they have their period. As we know, periods make our hormones a little off, and with BPD, that's an even bigger mess. But let's get into it a little deeper.  To start off, let's do a quick overview of the menstrual cycle in general. The menstrual cycle consists of four phases: menstrual phase, follicular phase, ovulation, and the luteal phase. Before and during menses, our emotions are unstable because of our hormones changing. So imagine what it's like to have already unstable emotions plus BPD? BPD is all about emotions, so it is perfectly normal and very likely for you to have a BPD meltdown before and during your period. Another thing that you may experience during your menstrual phase is increased suicidal and harmful thoughts that may even lead to actions. The symptoms of BPD are extremely exacerbated before and dur...

  Hey there, baddies! Today we're discussing CSA (child sexual assault/abuse). What is CSA? CSA is sexual activity between a child and an adult, adolescent, or older child. If an adult engages with a child sexually, then that is sexual abuse.  How do you know if you or someone around you is being sexually abused? Ask yourself these questions (if you're concerned for someone else, pretend you're asking them). Does an older person touch you in ways that make you uncomfortable? Does an older person show you inaproppriate pictures or videos? Does an older person take inappropriate pictures or videos of you? Does an older person talk about inappropriate or uncomfortable topics with you? Does an older person force you to look at or touch their genitilia? Does an older person look at or touch yours? Does an older person engage in sexual contact with you (ie. oral sex, penetration, touching)? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you or someone else is most likely being se...

  Hey, baddies! It is officially the start of a new month, and we're slowly creeping into fall, my personal favorite season. Anyway, it is September, which is suicide awareness and prevention month. Let's talk a little bit about suicide. The word suicide means the act of intentionally taking one's own life, AKA killing oneself. The word suicide originates from the Latin words "sui" which means self and "caedere" which means the act of slaying. An estimated 703,000 people die by suicide per year. The rate is more than double for men compared to women. Suicide is the 4th leading cause of death in 15-29 year-olds.  Now, what are some ways someone may kill themselves?  - using firearms - hanging - slitting/cutting/stabbing - poison - overdose - suffocation - drowning - toxins - jumping - starvation/dehydration - vehicular suicide - fire - assisted suicide/murder-suicide - and more This list is not to encourage or inspire suicide, this is simply a means of sh...

  Hey there, baddies! Today we're discussing a somewhat sensitive topic: self-harm. Self-harm is the act of injuring oneself. Self-harm comes in many forms such as: - biting - scratching - pulling hair out - picking skin - cutting  - burning - punching yourself - over-exercising - binge-eating - starving - substance abuse  All these are forms of self-harm. These are all valid, though they should obviously not be done.  So, now that we know what self-harm is, how do we know if someone does it? For starters, if you notice burns, bruises, or cuts on their skin, there is definitely something wrong happening. Also, if you notice someone constantly covered up, even in extremely hot weather, that is another sign. Hair loss is another sign of self-harm or stress in general. Mentions of suicide or self-loathing, even as a joke, is another cause for concern. Extreme weight loss or weight gain can also be a sign. Signs of low self-esteem and depression in general are other conc...