Diaries of a Borderline: Ep. 4 (TW)

Hey baddies! Long time no seeeee. Today I feel like ranting. I already know that this post is about to be hectic, so prepare. Lately, I've been incredibly happy. I'm slightly worried this might be a temporary state of euphoria, but I don't think it is. It's like a soft happiness. A happy state where I can just dwell in peace, harmony, and joy. Isn't that so wonderful? Now onto a less wonderful topic: me being SAd. It drives me crazy that I was so young, and I was able to survive it and the trauma. I don't know why I decided to rant about that right now, but I just felt like it, and you know what? This is my blog; I can do whatever the hell I want with it. So let's talk about me being sexually abused/assaulted. I feel like I ignore this part of me sometimes and treat it as though it never really happened. I'll be frank, sometimes it feels like it didn't and like I'm making it all up. But then I get the flashbacks. They're so vivid, so real, so terrifying. I know it's not happening anymore, but sometimes I can physically feel his hands on my body, his lips, his touch. And it brings me chills—literal chills. I try to not think about him or about it often, but sometimes I can't control my thoughts. It gets too far, and it makes me feel insane. I feel stupid for dwelling on the past, for constantly remembering, for being the way I am. I don't think I hate myself anymore, though. And that's an incredible improvement and achievement. I'm still learning to accept and love myself, but I've started that journey, and the fact that I started is wonderful. I can't believe I'm the one saying all this and being so positive. Who am I? No, seriously, who am I? Sometimes I lose my sense of self. I don't know who or what I am. I'm in this strange state where I feel the weight of my life and everything there is to it. Life is so strange, isn't it? It's almost midnight, so maybe I should wrap this up. I'll have more to talk about soon, of course. Lots of love, babies! <333

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