Weird

 I feel weirdddd. Better than yesterday, but still weird. Yesterday, I felt very strange. I knew I wasn't okay. I was on the verge of a manic episode. I don't talk often about mania. Typically, people with BPD only experience euphoria and not mania. But I have that symptom, and it is a hell to live in. Many things happen before, during, and after a manic episode. However, I am not here to educate you on that. I will, just not this time. I felt tipsy and happy and scared and uncomfortable all at once. I had a strong urge to take drugs, and I had a strong urge to take random medications until I felt something. I had no idea why I suddenly experienced what I experienced, but I did. A part of me misses that feeling, but I know it's best that I'm not experiencing it right now. 

I'm starting to feel like yesterday again. Does anyone even care? It feels like no one gives a shit about me. I feel like I don't matter. Ugh. Am I really that unlikable of a person? It feels like my friends don't want to talk to me. It feels like my lover barely tolerates me. Getting faded right now doesn't sound so bad. Just feeling lost and floating. I wish. Oh, how I long for those pills. Winter/spring 2023. Ramadan. Tylenol and Oxy. I'm getting flashbacks. I don't feel okay right now. I need my lover. He's the only thing that'll calm me down right now. Ugh. I love all of you very dearly and care about you all a lot, even if you don't feel that way towards me. 

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