BPD BADDIE

Sometimes I look in the mirror and just stare at myself. I overanalyze every part of me. I always overanalyze everything. I think too much, and I know my thoughts and attention to detail will eventually lead to my demise. I don't know how that will happen, but I'm sure of it. My attention to detail has always bothered me. Because of it, the most mundane, unnoticeable things drive me insane. I can't go one second without having a plethora of thoughts flooding my head. It feels like a shipwreck in my mind, and the only way out is to swim to the surface, except I have no limbs. Yes. That's how I feel. Limbless and helpless. I sometimes forget just how severe the trauma I endured was. I practically got raped by my own father, I've attempted to kill myself and take my life over ten times, and more. I have a whole personality disorder because of said trauma. I've been told to not let my trauma and/or disorder define me, but that's hard to do when the trauma has sh...

  I feel weirdddd. Better than yesterday, but still weird. Yesterday, I felt very strange. I knew I wasn't okay. I was on the verge of a manic episode. I don't talk often about mania. Typically, people with BPD only experience euphoria and not mania. But I have that symptom, and it is a hell to live in. Many things happen before, during, and after a manic episode. However, I am not here to educate you on that. I will, just not this time. I felt tipsy and happy and scared and uncomfortable all at once. I had a strong urge to take drugs, and I had a strong urge to take random medications until I felt something. I had no idea why I suddenly experienced what I experienced, but I did. A part of me misses that feeling, but I know it's best that I'm not experiencing it right now.  I'm starting to feel like yesterday again. Does anyone even care? It feels like no one gives a shit about me. I feel like I don't matter. Ugh. Am I really that unlikable of a person? It feels...

Hellooo baddies! Today I have an extreme craving for drugs. I am craving the feeling of being knocked out and unaware of the world around me. I want to feel my lungs begging for me to stop as I exhale. What the actual fuck is wrong with me, y'all? Do y'all even read this shit? Or am I doing this for no reason? I really need a cigarette right now. Like I will actually go insane if I don't get one right now. Ugh. I'm tired. I don't feel good right now. I want to sink. To drown. 

  Hey, baddies! Today, I completed 100 days without any form of self-harm. I am very proud of myself, I must say. A long time ago, I used to think I wasn't made for living. Someone like me could never handle life. I could never keep on living, and if I did, it would be a dreary, depressing life. I was cutting myself on the daily, hoping I would feel something, anything. Cutting was my safe space. The blade never judged me. I could enjoy the feeling of slicing my skin and how the blood formed droplets along the cut. Of course, I was in a terrible mental state. I wouldn't enjoy hurting myself now, or at least I would hope that'd be the case. Now, I feel safe in other things that don't harm me, like my hobbies or the people I love. I no longer have the desire to injure myself or scar my skin. Sometimes, I get the urge to do so, but I am able to overcome it. Now, I can live a somewhat normal life. Sure, I still have BPD. Sure, I see my therapists more than my own family. An...